Crimson Emotions
by Elizabeth Valentine
Summary: My first angst, be nice. It's Kai/Rei, unrequited love and whatever. Kai starts cutting.
1. Lusting after a dream...

A/N: I don't know what to say. Um.I like writing angsty things better than romance. This is angst.kinda. I made myself depressed writing this so.yeah.  
  
Um.This is written for Poochy-chan and Ushi-chan who help me out a lot in my fics. Also for Sakura-chan, you guys are the best. Ever generous, ever forgiving. Thanks you guys.  
  
To Snusnug-chan, hope this makes you happy. You asked for it, after all.  
  
To Lemonkitty, SilverDeathscythe, Nyako, Sailor_Gaia, Anita, anony mous and anacondra17 who sent me links to some amazing sites. You guys'll get more fics devoted to you 'cause you deserve it!  
  
To Sarah, my ever annoying sister, BUGGER OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
And, finally, to everyone who has reviewed my other fic, 'Bloody Tears', a very big thank you from me and all my muses.  
  
For those of you who are wondering what I got on my GCSEs, I'll tell you:  
  
A in Literature and ICT  
  
B in English, Maths, History, French, Textiles and two in Science  
  
C in Art (go figure)  
  
I spent my holiday drawing pictures whenever I had time. Here's the site they're on:  
  
www.angelfire.com/rebellion/nekobeyblade  
  
WARNINGS: Yaoi (m/m relationships if you didn't know), self mutilation and the like.  
  
DISCLAIMER: If I owned it, would I be putting this up here?!? I'd be making it into a program!  
  
  
  
  
  
Crimson Emotions  
  
I can remember how this all started. I know who to blame. I loved him since I first set eyes on him, even though I knew it was wrong. If my grandfather ever found out I would be cast from the family, fortunately he still has no clue. I can still see the look on his face, the absolute disgust, as he saw two men, lovers, walking hand in hand down the street. He had taken my to buy some new parts for my Beyblade, I was only five. He shouted abusive words at the two, words which a five year old should never have to hear, especially from their own grandfather. I didn't understand most of them back then, I do now. My grandfather, the homophobic.  
  
Strange, really, that I should be cursed with such a thing. I had always been brought up to believe that same-sex relationships were a sin, but I guess emotions override common sense. No matter how hard I tried I could not be attracted to women, not even to hide my shame from grandfather. Fortunately, he's not very quick to catch on to such matters.  
  
I find my mind wandering back to the cause of my distress.  
  
Rei  
  
I always hoped that maybe he felt the same way about me, but that was not to be. After months of Mariah's constant badgering, he agreed to go out with her. After she had left that night, he told me privately that it was only to shut her up and that he would get rid of her soon. He's been with her ever since. She's making him happy in a way I could never hope to achieve. She's so open and loving, not at all like me. I'm just the 'ice man', cold and callous. I was always told that emotions were a weakness and that the only way to stay strong was to surpress them, hide them from the outside world where opponents could and would use them to their advantage.  
  
No matter how hard I try I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. Even my Beyblading skills have deteriorated. I'm becoming careless. They just think I'm sick right now, a cold or something, but that wont last forever. Sooner of later they'll figure out that something is wrong and that could be my undoing. Much as I didn't want to join the Blade Breakers to begin with, I knew I had no choice. They're all good Beybladers and it was a case of join or lose my title as the number one Beyblader in the world.  
  
My thoughts again go back to Rei. I can think of nothing but the way his hair cascades down his back when it is untied, the way his eyes sparkle when he laughs, his perfect skin and the way a small dimple forms in his left cheek when he smiles. Gods, I want him so much. I feel so empty, he will never be mine. He's not.like me.  
  
The images produced in my head start the cycle over again. First comes sadness, then anger, followed by depression and, finally, self hate. I remember the long knife I keep under my pillow, its silver blade sharp, waiting. I pull it out and hold it in front of me. I can do nothing but stare at it, it looks so inviting. The edge glints in the sunlight that it streaming in through my window. I'm glad we decided to stay in a top- quality hotel, it meant that we had separate rooms so I could do what I wanted without fear of being disturbed.  
  
Laying the knife down beside me on the bed, I check that my door is locked and begin to undress. As I do so hundreds of criss-cross lines are revealed. My chest, stomach and legs are covered in them, permanent marks. The scars make me angry, I'm so weak. Rei would never do anything like this, none of the others would. A single tear trickles down my cheek and falls to the floor. I wipe away the wet track it left behind and continue with my ritual.  
  
My clothes fall in a pile on the floor and I kick them away from me, not wanting them to get dirty as that would be a way for the others to find out. Next I grab some towels from the bathroom, already stained from previous sessions. Laying them over the bed and floor around me, I sit upon them and reach for the knife. It has all become so routine.  
  
I poise the knife above my chest, holding it so tightly that my knuckles go white. The internal pain is bad this time, I need to relieve it somehow. I draw the blade slowly across my stomach, just above my naval. It bites into my flesh and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying out. I watch as the crimson liquid seeps from my latest wound and runs down my body. The warm liquid flows slowly over my revealed manhood before soaking into the towels beneath me.  
  
Normally the pain and suffering seeps out of me along with the lost blood, but not today. The pain in my heart remains as strong as the pain in my stomach. I slash at my chest, deeper this time, watching the second stream of blood mingle with the first. Still there is no release. I begin to go frantic, cutting myself again and again, going deeper each time. It doesn't help. My body is covered in jagged marks, I don't care any more. I begin to stab at my arms, the one place that remained flawless. I had not dared to cut there before as I always wear clothes without sleeves. I gain nothing, just more pain.  
  
I turn my attention away from my arms, realising that it is not working anymore. The only place on my body that has managed to avoid being mutilated so far is my manhood. I stare at it in hatred, the cause of all my problems has escaped unscathed, but not for long. I know that the pain will be unbearable even before I make the first incision. I cut along my generously sized shaft, crying silently in agony, but still I don't stop.  
  
My balls are next, shallow cuts soon cover both and I feel that I will pass out any minute. I managed to hold on to consciousness, I have to finish this. It's what I deserve. The knife shakes in my hand as I have trouble trying to hold on to it. It falls, point down, and lands in my leg, buried deep. I really do cry out this time, the pain is so great. No one hears me, no one comes. A single word escapes my lips in a hushed whisper, I can manage nothing else.  
  
"Rei."  
  
The room around me goes hazy as I slip into a world of darkness and emptiness and nothingness. 


	2. 'Till Death do us part...

A/N: Here's the second and last chapter of Crimson Emotions. I wasn't going to continue it, but so many asked that I decided to. I hope you're happy 'cause I made myself all depressed again writing this. A lot of people asked for Kai to be kept alive. Sorry folks. Read the fic and maybe you'll forgive me.  
  
This chapter is for Lemonkitty, who has kept me going through sending me links and reviews ^_^  
  
Shall I write more angst, or stick to romance? You tell me!  
  
WARNINGS: Yaoi (m/m relationships if you didn't know), self mutilation and the like.  
  
DISCLAIMER: If I owned Beyblade, It would be made into an 18!  
  
  
  
  
  
Crimson Emotions  
  
I thought I heard Kai cry out in the night. I wasn't fully awake at the time, so I didn't go to see what was wrong. It was probably just another one of his dreams again. Kai dreams a lot, since he can't show regular emotions to people openly, he dreams them. His dreams usually revolve around one person in particular; Rei.  
  
He never dreams about me, never. Even though I'm the one who is there, comforting him after a bad night, I'm the one who agrees to have sex with him when he needs it. That's all I am, Kai's little 'fuck toy'. He doesn't love me, never has and never will. He's too taken with Rei, even though he knows it will never happen, and that hurts.  
  
I cry myself to sleep at night. It isn't fair! Why can't Kai love me? I love him with all my heart and my soul, but he never returns any of it. I'm just there for his enjoyment. Why do I stay? I know the answer to that one; because if I don't, Kai will do something he'll regret later. If he can't take his frustration out on someone, he might just go too far and take it out on Rei. God knows what consequences that would bring. Rei might end up dead. Or Kai. Or both. He's come close several times, but I always managed to stop him before anything happened. I'd pay dearly for doing that.  
  
Kai has never hit me, I don't think he ever will. He's not like that. Instead, his way of 'punishing' me, releasing pent-up emotions and getting himself under control is sex. How rough or how long all depends on his mood. If he's angry enough, I can end up not walking for days. When other people are put in a situation like that, their minds switch off to what their bodies are doing, but not me. I don't want to shut Kai out; It's the only time we're ever remotely close.  
  
I don't think that Kai has ever called out my name during sex. Whenever he does cry out, it's always Rei and that, to me, hurts more than the actual, physical pain he causes. I love him so much, but he wont, no, he can't love me back. I understand why, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. When I dream, I dream about Kai. About him whispering sweet nothings in my ear, telling me he loves me and making love to me. He never makes love to me; it's just sex.  
  
I told him that I loved him once, he just ignored me. I don't think he knows what to say or do when put in that position. I don't think he's ever been in love before. Even if he could have Rei, it wouldn't last as he can't show emotion and that's what Rei needs.  
  
I walk down the hallway towards Kai's room and pause at the door. If Kai had had a dream so intense that it had made him cry out, well, that meant only bad things for me. I take a deep breath and try the door. It's locked. Kai never locks his door, ever. He doesn't need to, as no one would dare to disturb him. Except me that is. I knock softly and call out his name. There is no answer and I begin to worry. I know that I'm probably overreacting and Kai is just fine, in the shower or still asleep.  
  
My heart beats rapidly against my chest. I know that I shouldn't do what I'm about to do, but I have to or else I'll worry too much. Probably give myself a heart attack or something. I take out the spare key that I swiped from reception and place it in the lock. Damnit, it won't turn. Kai's key must still be in the other side. I see a hair grip lying a few metres away on the carpet. I pick it up and straighten it out. Pushing it into the lock, I hear a soft 'thud' as the Key falls to the floor on the other side of the door. Inserting my key and turning it, the door opens with a soft 'click'. I turn the handle and slowly open the door. What I see there makes me scream.  
  
My scream brought people running. Tyson was there first, his room being the nearest, followed by several other people who were staying at the hotel. Kenny arrived soon after and Rei was the last to arrive, being tailed by Mariah. All I could do was stare at the bloody mess in front of me. Rei quickly ushered the hotel patrons away and sent one to call for an ambulance. Still, I just stood, my mouth agape and eyes wide. A strangled cry escaped from my throat and my legs couldn't support me anymore. They collapsed underneath me and, if it hadn't been for Tyson catching me, I would have fallen.  
  
Rei, being the strongest one among us, made his way over to Kai's naked, bleeding form. The blood was already mostly dry, but some larger cuts still bled. Placing two fingers at Kai's neck, Rei frowned as he tried to find a pulse. He shook his head and I had to look away, pressing my face into Tyson's warm chest. I could hear Mariah sobbing hysterically somewhere to my right and every now and then, Tyson would shake slightly as he tried his hardest not to cry.  
  
I cried. I couldn't stop crying. An ambulance came to take Kai's lifeless body away, still I cried. When the police arrived to interview everyone, I couldn't talk to them as I was sobbing so hard. The rest of that day was a blur. I just remember crying and being held by Tyson. He even held me as I cried myself to sleep that night.  
  
The next day I felt worse. I couldn't cry any more, but the reality of it finally hit me. Kai wasn't coming back. He would be buried in a week, and I was to speak at the funeral. The week passed slowly. I ate nothing and drank little. Tyson was there for me that whole time, trying to persuade me to eat something, anything, but I wouldn't. I only drank because he said that if I didn't then he'd pour it down my throat. I needed someone to be there for me; otherwise I don't think I would have lived to the funeral.  
  
Tyson knew what I was going through. He was the only person I knew I could trust with my secrets. No one would know about it, had Kai not made me cry in front of them all. I only broke down once, and that was it, which was surprising considering what I went through. Tyson had lead me out of the room and asked me what was wrong. I told him everything. I so badly needed a friend who understood me, Tyson was that friend. Whenever I cried myself to sleep, Tyson would be there. Whenever I was in too much pain to move out of bed, he was there. He'd bring me food and sit with me until I could get up again. Tyson was my only true friend.  
  
The day of the funeral finally came. Tyson helped me to dress myself and made sure I drank something before we left, which I immediately threw back up again. I cried in the car on the way to the funeral and I cried all the way through. Towards the end, we were to make our speeches. I managed to stop crying for that part. Kai's grandfather spoke first, talking about his grandson's life and skill. He was the only person there who had not cried. I hated him. I hated him so much. He was part of the reason why Kai was dead, and he didn't even know it. Tyson saw the look in my eyes and the way my hands kept clenching and un-clenching. He reached out and took one of my hands in his own. I looked into his eyes and he squeezed my hand. I squeezed back.  
  
Next up to speak was Rei. I gripped Tyson's hand harder, squeezing it as hard as I could. Rei was the main reason Kai was dead. I couldn't look at him, couldn't listen to what he was saying as he spoke about Kai's beyblading career and what he was like as a friend. When he finally finished, it was my turn. My legs shook as I walked up to the pedestal. I stood on the slightly raised wooden platform and looked about me. The coffin was to my left, made from the highest quality wood with gold handles. The room in front of me was packed, full of people Kai knew, including several beyblade teams. I took a deep breath, but I couldn't speak. The world seemed to be spinning around me. I managed to croak out two words and two words only.  
  
".He's gone." The room span faster as my legs went from under me. I hit the floor hard and there was an instant throbbing at the back of my head. In the distance I could hear someone calling out my name. I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and, just before everything else went black, I heard Tyson's voice beside my ear.  
  
"Maxy."  
  
I passed out. 


End file.
